Sound like some tab that you click on some network website. After giving some thought about my life and myself last night, I realised what kind of person I am and what I do exactly want in life. Not many people sit down and think about their own survival in the world but that’s because they have nothing to worry about and wouldn’t be bothered to put themselves into a time of insanity.
So I shall take my time to tell you what EXACTLY I am.
Personality
In my point of view, one’s personality is very important in life as it does really reflect on who you are. Truthfully speaking, I do not really have an illustrious personality. What personality I have then you might ask. Well, I realised that I do not actually have one. Why? Because I always portray another person out there, like some of you might think as outgoing, sporty, etc etc blah blah blah. But if you know me more than anything else, then I might just tell you that I’m one to show you what I am capable of but not what I’m good at doing.
I have always been trying to get myself to do something big, like maybe something that I can be a profession in it. But it wasn’t meant to be. Because everyone sees a talent of capability but not excellence in me. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I can see the surface of the water but not deep down under.
Likes and Dislikes
This is something that I don’t usually show because I’m always with the majority and always fine with anything that people suggest. But by fact, I don’t really like some things in the first place. Call me self-centered, but then sometimes people might not know what kind of person I am. Perhaps I’m just someone who forgives and thoroughly forgets.
And I realised that I get really easily agitated when I realised that people just don’t turn up when told to. I should call that “Pang Seh“, or “fly kite“, or “put you aeroplane“. Those things just get me on my nerves. I also got sick and tired of late comers until I told myself to be late sometimes because some idiots just like to take their own sweet time. Why make it this timing when you can’t even stick to the timing? And if you can’t make it, why can’t you just say it earlier?
Apart from the severe dislikes that I quite mentioned already, I have told myself to encourage people, to give people a new thought to their problems, to help them whenever in need. But there’s a problem. I can give the whole world of encouragement to people, but I can’t give them myself. Like telling people to be optimistic, I became pessimistic.
Outlook/Imperfection
“How do I look?”
Seriously, I have never really asked anyone about how I look like because I know they will hide the truth. Yes, my outlook is indeed imperfect. Everyone is imperfect, like everyone would say. I have lived through imperfection in my life and I do consider myself lucky that my girl loves me. If not, you will see me like a disfigured patient with one double eyelid, thick swelling lips, uneven teeth that leads to gum disease, big legs with small body, pimply scarred face with hair that is spoilt to the bits.
I know, that somehow, people do give me the looks as if like – “Why the fuck is this guy doing in our class?” or “Who the heck is he? Damn fucking ugly”. Yes I know I’m being negative, but if I don’t ask them, do you think they will speak up their mind? Maybe that’s why I was cast aside in secondary school. I may have a lot of friends, but friends that are go “Hi and Bye”? Perhaps 90% of them are. Maybe none of them even wishes to say hi to me.
What I want in Life.
Last night, pondering over many thoughts ended up like just a slap to the forehead. Then I told myself what I really want. And the answer is couldn’t decide. I’m confused. Yes David, you read that – I’m confused. Not over my orientation but what I want in life.
Initially studies was the question. Then I look at my family and then I thought to myself. “If my dad is gonna pay for my school fees, won’t the whole family be financially unstable?” Well, there’s always part time – EVERYONE is telling me that. But part time means longer study period, and night time studies are like so not for me. And taking a loan from the bank means I have to repay them, which means that I MUST get a high paying job to sustain myself from the interests and the loan itself. Tough? You bet. Stress? Definitely. And I hate it.
Then there was looking for a job since I couldn’t get myself into a proper university. I would suggest to myself all the time that working is good because I might be able to help pay some bills for the household. Then something’s holding me back from a full time job. Which is the Dubai thing. Unconfirmed and no news yet, I waited and waited and waited but it just isn’t meant to be somehow. And if I get a full time job and this opportunity is waiting at my doorstep for me to open the door, then what am I gonna do? Void the contract and make compensations? I do not have that much money.
Now, looking for a part time job isn’t hard as well, just that whatever I applied for didn’t came back. No reply, no news. All these ain’t good news you know.
Everyday I look out of the window, hoping that something will guide me towards a neverending amount of cash. But as I look out of the window, time whizzes past like the wind that moves the clouds. While typing all these words I couldn’t help but ask myself time and time again. What do I exactly want? What the fuck am I doing now? Am I just a loser sitting home, bumming around? Am I lagging behind all my friends, who have targets in life?
I guess I’m strong, but not strong enough. SIGH.
