Repeating.

07 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, hobbies, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

So after not blogging for awhile, must be wondering what’s on my mind. On my end, the politically correct answer is that I’m busy with work and all. In fact, just working till my mind goes shut.

But on the contrary, I have been losing myself from the society to find all the reasons that happened in the past and what I have become today. I’m not the Marcus I used to be, that’s for sure. So I just wanna look back and tell myself – if time had the rewind button, what can I do to change what damages that had been dealt with.

There were many things that I asked myself, on to why I had to react that way, and why people had to react that way, and that there are many things that I want to say to people but I couldn’t bring myself to do so, and that some times at some point, I would want to take back all the words I have said on particular days of emotions, particular days of temptations and stuff like that. Sometimes I really wished that I have not done this, and sometimes I wished that I have not said that and whatsoever. The list goes on and on.

I also felt that I was selfish, and that I have not seen others in their own shoes and perspective, and have not put into consideration of how they feel, and that if you ask me how I feel when someone does something good for me, emotionally, I think that I have lost my heart and it’s empty inside me. I can’t feel any laughter nor joy. I can’t even feel pain or sorrow.

At this juncture, I don’t want to disclose any secrets that I have, long gone, or recent, I won’t say a word. Because I know whenever everything comes out of my mouth, I’m sure my life, and many others around me, will come crashing down into bits and pieces, and that even the best person in engineering couldn’t construct another perfection of art in someone. And yet it’s ultra hard to keep all this bits and pieces that I wished so much to forget. But reminisces after deja vu after memories, things just keep floating around your head and not sinking into the deep dark ocean.

How do I go about doing this? Eat more soy products? I don’t want to erase my life away, but neither do I want to keep these secrets, because I really wish to forget. The worse part? I can’t confide to anyone. As mentioned above, once I do that, everything comes crashing down. How I wish I was dead seriously. Reality bites, and it’s painful. Even till now, at work, it’s something that I can use to forget all my troubles, but when I get home, everything’s back to square one. I’m seriously damn messed up now.

I need to restructure my life.

I need to change my habits.

I need to stay focused on what I want to do.

I need to stay away from all the negativity.

I need to change my delusional jobscope.

I need to take my photos.

I need to get away from here.

I need to shout out loud.

I need to stop thinking about hope.

I need to hug someone badly.

Last but not least…..

I need to cry.