rant « benchmarc

Work sucks, I know.

20 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in interest, life, mood, rant, work

Been a while since i blogged. but now because i have heart burning issues that i know i can’t raise up and still accept responsibility for all that has cocked up, this is what i have to say after an interview with the higher authority.

the sad part about work is that when you tried really hard to make things better and change things to facilitate life better here for all and people still don’t notice. it makes it worse when people comment on the negative stuff of you. it really didn’t help when my boss is some cause of it and he gets away by not acknowledging his errors, and you have to suck it up and admit it’s your fault instead of his. the bigger sin of his was to let the authority know of it when he has done far more worse issues than i do.

save the comment on code of conduct when his actions are self-exemplary of the wrong. you are not even anywhere near considerate to others in your department. you sorta disallow myself from going on urgent leave during a preparation period and you actually went away for 3 fucking days. where’s that integrity?

I want to start new. give me my next location of work. I’m about to explode here anytime.

Why.

27 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in rant

New least of life.

I started school.

I still work.

But.

School sucks suddenly because of some miscommunication and I’m groupless and scrambling to find one more group mate before next Tuesday. Sigh.

Work sucks still because when I’m on leave or off, I still get phone calls whenever, wherever I am.

When will there ever be peace for me? To think that I want to be committed to my career and studies but these 2 things are already mind-fucking me.

What’s next now huh God, is this THE BEST YOU CAN GIVE ME.

FUCK.

Nope.

13 Dec 2010 2 Comments

by egomarc in Friends, interest, Just Updates, life, love, rant, reflections, whatever

because….

so….

i know…..

which is why….

almost but nothing like…

Oh well.

Dead?

03 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

No I’m not dead yet. Couldn’t find the time to blog properly because of the immense programmes and activities going on in life that either I or my friends have arranged for myself, and yes, I’m enjoying it thus far. But after all that has happened, sadly I still cut a lone shadow back home. But I know I can get back to rest. And be at peace.

But I never liked total silence. Or at least silence in the longest of hours at times.

And I’m not done with my Taiwan blog post and pics, though I’m trying to get it up and running asap. I’m on leave next week. Probably I can deal with that on a weekday so empty and quiet. Then again, everyone’s busy with their own lives and all, and I’m concentrating as much to keep myself busy in order not to think so much. Perhaps everyone should just do that to keep themselves busy.

I still have more to go, and that I’m trying to achieve my target as such. And it’s not easy, but I gotta save more than I can. Gotta eat cheap in camp and all. Just gotta learn how to save money. Life’s been difficult these days. Everyday I go to work, and get back home without any thought of anything far, of what to do, of what to achieve. Not that I have everything, but everything can’t happen straightaway with the snap of the fingers. Sadly, I can’t weave magic.

It’s December already and how time passed in an instant. It was just January the last time I slogged it out in camp over the whole week, and now I’m ready to start a new chapter of studying and working in my life. I’m so gonna die, but then who cares. If I don’t help myself, no one will. That means less meet-ups, more rest, more work, no lifer to begin with. Lesser of me. But it doesn’t matter anyways. Just know that I have to save money. I try so hard to arrange time for meet ups but at times I gotta understand that everyone’s not free due to work or school or what. But I can’t give a shit anymore because I’m tired of people not replying, or at least replying at the last minute. People all taking things for granted. Probably I’m gullible. Probably I’m dedicated. Probably I’m determined.

Anyways, if you are expecting a new year resolution, many people out there will either give theirs or say no because they usually don’t abide. But that is if you do not have a direction in life. I do. So I will list it out. I still – and I shall try – to save about 7k this month. I also still – and will be determined to try – to find another car for the future. And…. I shall excel in my studies. I don’t have any other wishes.

So what if I looked like I have everything? Everything is nothing.

Frankly speaking, I lost every hope in other things that I sought in life. I’m tired of giving and providing. I’m tired squeezing into a room without my personal space. I’m tired of all the rants at work though I will tolerate nonetheless. I’m tired of smiling. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of everything.

Basically, there’s no hope in me. I will just follow my resolutions. And keep it that way.

It’s 0114H. A time that I would expect to hit after blogging. Good night for now. Tomorrow is always another day, just another day.

I give up.

Thoughts and Dreams

26 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

At work, I sit in my crazily noisy office, and that the clerks are hectic and busy walking around doing work while the other storemen just came into the office to create even more disturbance, and then my thoughts went away from that current atmosphere. And things started to flow back like it use to be.

But wait, didn’t I tell myself to be ok and kept myself busy with a lot of things till I’m like tired? If you gotta ask me, now I realise how boring a person I am. I got no traits, I ain’t that good in my presentation of myself, and there’s nothing to look forward to me. What’s next? I just asked myself a couple of times and it got into me that I shouldn’t be wasting my time, and then it happened throughout the past weekend, a weekend so well packed. I didn’t had the time to think about what’s tomorrow. And that the Sky Park has such a panoramic view that is breathtaking, I looked far, and told myself that I had to build that building over there.

It’s probably a dream to rich that stage of abundant cash flow. We suffer now so that our generations don’t, and I never knew that everything was falling through only for me to feel that wrath of the pocket, and that if I have to achieve my dream, I need to control my spending. I need to probably set a few more strict goals. And that I need someone so thrifty to help me save up. Girlfriend? Possible, provided if there’s one out there to help me control. I want to be brought back down to earth again. Because I wanna know how mud taste like all over again. That’s when I will learn that shit happens and shit taste like that.

Push me from the highest cliff down to the sea below, so that I can drown into the immensely cold deep blue and sink into near death physique, only to gasp for air after those struggle, then I will start to cherish life.

I did realise one thing too, that I’m quite cold-blooded. I don’t feel much for many sad shows anymore, and that probably because I have seen so many fake people and fake things, I wonder what’s real already. I just… want to know what’s love all over again. Sadly, even if I fell for someone so close and dear, I can’t take back my words, and that I can’t bring myself to love because it will be a drastic result. Confidence smashed. I looked forward everytime, but only for me to back down slowly.

I’m still fading, but I only need you to point that knife at my throat, and demand the answer, then I will give it to you, and pull me back from insanity to reality, then I will truly know that there’s still someone out there worth to love.

But I think you won’t know, because you don’t think as much as I do.

Oh well, no more dwelling, time to move on again. ~

A Series of Septembers

08 Sep 2010 2 Comments

by egomarc in Friends, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections

This is the month of September, cliche to say.
But as it seems to go so slow, let me take it all the way.
As I have some song videos right here, that probably you might have seen.
Let it all begin, and reminisce what you thought could have been.

Daughtry – September
A video for you to reminisce. Find the lyrics and listen to them.

Plain White T’s – A Lonely September
A video specially for you. You won’t see it anyways.

Earth, Wind, Fire – September
A video to boogie down some time at night at Zouk. =)

Greenday – Wake Me Up When September Ends
A video to remember.

Now… let me get out of here.

Repeating.

07 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, hobbies, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

So after not blogging for awhile, must be wondering what’s on my mind. On my end, the politically correct answer is that I’m busy with work and all. In fact, just working till my mind goes shut.

But on the contrary, I have been losing myself from the society to find all the reasons that happened in the past and what I have become today. I’m not the Marcus I used to be, that’s for sure. So I just wanna look back and tell myself – if time had the rewind button, what can I do to change what damages that had been dealt with.

There were many things that I asked myself, on to why I had to react that way, and why people had to react that way, and that there are many things that I want to say to people but I couldn’t bring myself to do so, and that some times at some point, I would want to take back all the words I have said on particular days of emotions, particular days of temptations and stuff like that. Sometimes I really wished that I have not done this, and sometimes I wished that I have not said that and whatsoever. The list goes on and on.

I also felt that I was selfish, and that I have not seen others in their own shoes and perspective, and have not put into consideration of how they feel, and that if you ask me how I feel when someone does something good for me, emotionally, I think that I have lost my heart and it’s empty inside me. I can’t feel any laughter nor joy. I can’t even feel pain or sorrow.

At this juncture, I don’t want to disclose any secrets that I have, long gone, or recent, I won’t say a word. Because I know whenever everything comes out of my mouth, I’m sure my life, and many others around me, will come crashing down into bits and pieces, and that even the best person in engineering couldn’t construct another perfection of art in someone. And yet it’s ultra hard to keep all this bits and pieces that I wished so much to forget. But reminisces after deja vu after memories, things just keep floating around your head and not sinking into the deep dark ocean.

How do I go about doing this? Eat more soy products? I don’t want to erase my life away, but neither do I want to keep these secrets, because I really wish to forget. The worse part? I can’t confide to anyone. As mentioned above, once I do that, everything comes crashing down. How I wish I was dead seriously. Reality bites, and it’s painful. Even till now, at work, it’s something that I can use to forget all my troubles, but when I get home, everything’s back to square one. I’m seriously damn messed up now.

I need to restructure my life.

I need to change my habits.

I need to stay focused on what I want to do.

I need to stay away from all the negativity.

I need to change my delusional jobscope.

I need to take my photos.

I need to get away from here.

I need to shout out loud.

I need to stop thinking about hope.

I need to hug someone badly.

Last but not least…..

I need to cry.

Sadly…

There’s no shoulder anymore.

Good night.

27 Aug 2010 2 Comments

by egomarc in Friends, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

I think I’m better off by myself.

Reality is giving too many signs and signals.

And it’s beyond my control.

What’s meant to be yours, will be yours.

What’s meant to go wrong, will go wrong.

Sadly, it’s all wrong for me.

Fly away marcus, fly away.

Fly away to a place that no one can find you.

Fly away when no one knows that you are gone.

Fly away to a place that your phone seems unreachable.

Fly away… just fly away..

Good night people, good bye people.

Evaporated.

24 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in interest, Just Updates, life, mood, rant, whatever

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Falling For You

22 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, history, hobbies, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

Somehow I feel that everything that it’s above is kinda like the opposite. I don’t know that’s why I don’t judge and I don’t want to trust, knowing that if I do, I will end up in the same state all over and over again. Smarter right now to believe that things aren’t that easy. But of course, as the saying goes, if you believe it is a problem, it will always and forever be a problem.

Pessimism aside, love has always been a form of entity that words couldn’t construct on the surface of things. Love is kinda like a subconscious feeling, and it’s that kind of feeling that you feel good of that person, that the feeling can become better if given more opportunity, more chance, more time for engaging.

As this kind of thing progresses, time tells many tales of excitement and grief. Disappointment or entertainment, it’s subjective considering the type of person and personality involved. If one doesn’t give another the chance, and that hints are all over to see, I guess sometimes it’s time to give up and move on. It happened to me always. And it will forever be happening to me. It’s kinda bad, but you know, life screws you up some times and it’s obvious to see why. In accordance to Murphy’s Law, whatever will go wrong, will go wrong.

Apparently, my whole life is filled up by the fact that Murphy lives in me. And whatever I touch, whoever I speak to, whatever action I take, whoever I hear from, will all be erroneous. Not because I don’t believe in my confidence, and it’s not because of my self-esteem that I deemed a failure once, but it’s because ultimately, whenever I had a chance, it wasn’t presented to me well. And when it’s presented to me well, I’m avoided. I’m not a failure just because I tried, but at least I tried to make the effort. But it ain’t dreamland always. It ain’t always a day that the sun will be up there forever to paint picture of fluffy clouds added colour to the sky.

Please.

When everyone deserves a chance or two, we have people in the world that don’t offer anything at all. I guess I have seen too many of all this. And that when the time that you thought you can trust someone all over again, she walks away. I’m not stupid, as I mentioned time and time again. I might be dumb, but I’m not born blinded by anything. So don’t come telling me that I have not made the effort. Because I know it doesn’t happen to me anytime now, anytime sooner, or anytime later. Because I lost faith in all these “happenings”. I don’t want to judge because I don’t see things that others can. And that others shouldn’t judge me because they can’t see things on my end that I can see. But I stopped believing already. It’s time to live the life of innocence.

I believe. That it won’t happen on my end. Ever. Again.

I can wake up from my dream now.

Reality

07 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant

Actually all it takes is one normal day to realise the thousand truths about humans. And I foresee many weekends like these to come. But it ain’t surprising, given the fact that I go to work and go home without much plans. But then again, it kinda tells many things, and eventually it becomes imminent that it will happen, you know, like a open secret. It ain’t rocket science. Even a primary school kid can tell that there’s something wrong.

Nicely put, it’s in the name of a knowing someone then you do the favour to them. But sorry, it’s not always the case. Sadly, I see everything after everything is over, and just when I know it’s like that, it’s too late. I guess I’m sometimes just too blind and naive to believe. And when I snap, one by one they disappear. Sometimes criticism is just hard to take, but that shows that one is freaking weak. No offence, but I see the change coming, and I know one day it will become so routine that it is forgotten. Then it will be lost. And never to be found again.

Don’t try to decipher what I say because every sentence that I craft out is politically correct but morally wrong. You can never tell what I’m try to say here. It’s too sophisticated to read my brain. Your brain will tire itself out before even trying to figure what I’m thinking. If you need a summary out of everything, then I will say that it’s the fact about life. And yes, somehow that answer is also coded by me, and you can never understand what I’m trying to say. Too bad then.

If you can, then…..

Not Bad.

31 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in Friends, inspiration, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

Apparently I’m starting to make use of my time – bit by bit – to do the things I wanna do and also accomplishing tasks pertaining towards what I want to achieve till the end of the year. The forthcoming things that are happening are things that probably make me think and feel that actually sometimes you can get help anywhere, everywhere, but eventually it boils down to one’s discipline and determination to push for the success and target that we have always wanted to achieve.

My friend shared with me once about the difference between talking, dreaming and doing. We all have dreams, I don’t deny. And that we all have always wanted to do this or that or achieve something that you probably feel it’s realistic to reach. So our minds wonder, our minds ponder. And then we tell everyone, seemingly excited about the plans you create, the plans you have drawn to perfection. But when it comes to the day that you have plan for, you are glued to your fucking sofa rotting away with broken chips all over your face and cans of coke lying everywhere.

Is that what you want? Is that your so called “dream”?

Then again, that made me feel that time is everything and as you know, time doesn’t wait for no man. Ok to be fair, woman as well. And to make it all seem so nice and flowery isn’t gonna help when you paint a picture without your brush no?

Probably that is why people are slowly fading away. You know, slowly moving on with their lives. Studies, work, aspirations, projects, outings, camps etc. And that probably show that everyone else that I know have a purpose and have a reason to do what they wanna do. And I feel happy for them. Sadly I feel sad for myself because that’s when everyone’s busy when I’m free. But I gotta understand that the norm of a human is probably 98% selfish eventually. And just when I always thought that selfishness isn’t a good thing, I told myself to begin loving “selflessness”.

Now that I have somewhat attained selflessness in the right areas of my life and selfishness in the other areas apart from the first, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all. And so as it seems, fate and whoever’s using that Xbox controller to control my life is kinda rewinding me back to the time what I was the complete opposite of who I’m now. And probably it is a vicious cycle. Never liked it, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s like the events that happen day by day are leading to the times when it’s kinda like making me find my old-self again and telling me that THAT is the right way to go, not now.

I can agree to a certain extent. And yes, I might probably revert back to who I m. And eventually I will lose more than anything that I can lose throughout this 25 years of my life. But in order for that to happen, it still boils down to my discipline. So let’s do a checklist now on my personal outcomes that I did or at least try to do so far.

1) Move on? Checked.
2) Get a job? Checked.
3) Change my character? Trying to.
4) Introverting? Trying to.
5) Selfishness? Trying to.
6) Positive Attitude? Trying to.
7) Healthy Lifestyle? Not really. (As you can see from my life now)
8) Accept reality as it is? On the verge of saying yes.
9) Focus-oriented? No.

You see, the last point is ultimately the distraction-free attitude that I basically want to achieve. And I realised that it has served me well when I was way younger into my teenage years. And probably succeeded along the way. That’s how I improved from a no-brainer to a basketballer. That’s how I improved from a Football Manager idiot to a striker that curls the ball around and past the opponent’s goalkeeper. That’s how I didn’t become the Platoon Best in BMT but ended up being the only person in my platoon to be enrolled in OCS.

I remember I was labeled a teacher’s pet when I was in secondary school. Come on guys. You think I don’t know an open secret? Probably you dickheads don’t have the balls to admit to me that’s all. I was just being friendly and helpful. Not like you idiots only trying to smoke in toilets. But because of you pricks that I manage to grow stronger in person because there’s people like you all that make me want to beat the crap out of your guts.

And that’s how I was last time. And I’m a nobody now. And I hate it.

It doesn’t matter anymore, because I can’t be distracted by all that bullshit anymore.

Time to be awesome. =)

If you make the effort to reach out your hand, the horizon will never be too far from you.

Walk The Talk

21 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment

by egomarc in action, inspiration, interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections

After much hype and thought about many things that went through my life, I think it’s time to make a name for myself.

There are so many things that I wanna change about my work, my attitude towards many things, my hobby, my needs and wants in life. I guess I know I can’t do all at once, but at least try to change something for the time being. Probably a plan that needs to be drawn and executed shortly. I know I’m capable of this, but it seems that I lack the motivation gravely. I don’t know why but it seems that I lost the motivation to do many things. To inspire myself, to inspire people (if that is one of the things I have done last time), to do more than I could because I know I can.

I wonder why I changed so much. And I wonder why I lack the motivation. Probably because there’s nothing much to look forward to in life. And I can’t always depend on others to scrap through time. I gotta start being individualistic. Don’t blame me for it, because I don’t like it either. But if I don’t be, I don’t get things done. I really wish that I was being locked up somewhere that I have no access to the internet and only my outstanding stuff that I have to do and things that I have planned for and have not start much on it. I gotta start thinking. I gotta start tinkering.

I used to tell myself to just do it, and not think about it. Apparently I need to start regulating this act and bring it all to the starting point. I need to start getting things straight. I need paper. I need to scribble down. I will probably scribble a lot of rubbish like how that guy in Heroes that has a special ability to paint the future. And maybe I need to paint my own actions and future. I will create a manual, a manual of every action, of everything that I want to achieve. It WILL BE the most formidable guide to survival and life. I will acknowledge that.

But I know I can never write a manual on love. That’s a fact. I doubt anyone can. Because if I could, then everyone else would be in love.

Then again, I will do whatever I can to complete this manual of mine. Because this manual will be life to me. Since I have nothing to commit to, the manual will be like a “bible” to me. All things will be jotted inside. Life will be easier with this manual. A lot more easier and interesting. =) Maybe to make it more interesting, maybe I will share a couple of chapters here. See how it goes. But will churn this manual out nonetheless. Heh.

Now for bedtime. Because there’s something to look forward to at last.

Drifting Away.

20 Jul 2010 1 Comment

by egomarc in interest, Just Updates, life, love, mood, rant, reflections, whatever

Alright, so I failed once again. But oh well, that is the part and parcel of life perhaps? Picked myself up and move on. Though a subconscious second chance still remains in me. But I guess the more I see the less I move, the less I think the more I can do no?

Anyways, sad love aside, I thought about creating a few LEGO coin saving containers for myself to save up for things that I want to get in the future, but my mum kept it all in the store room. -_- Then again, I’m trying to label all my currently piggy banks to accommodate my slowly but surely wants in life, with savings aside as well. It’s kinda like a win-win situation to both my future and my wants, and I kinda think that it’s a good practice to achieve many things in life? Maybe I should do this more often though I know that achieving the nearer wants is more difficult than achieve the further needs of the future. I will still be happy nonetheless. It’s all about confidence boosting along the way.

But what I want to get as “thrills of happiness” are things like tripod, lenses, bag etc. Things that probably will suit the fact of wants like I have mentioned earlier. Because I don’t have anyone to spend on, so might as well spend them on myself. But that doesn’t mean I must spend all that I have. Important to save now, because regretting is not the answer for all failures.

And I think I got great ideas for now. Great ideas for expression. Watch out for this space.

Now that the sky is gloomy, and raining is imminent, I shall bury myself in work. Too bad life these days is all about it. Nothing is special already.